i was thinking of writing about my current experience changing church, but somehow my heart has been led to meditate further into the past, specifically the night where ‘my eyes were open’ – so to speak.
i remember distinctly the agony of that moment. the words of Ephesians 2 were now alive to me, but i was still unable to accept them. my mind shattered into a million pieces and i felt as though i was not only dying, but being deconstructed, right down to my core. then among those sparkling ruins i lifted up my bleeding hands and held them there. then came a small, tiny assurance, that truly i has been saved. there was no dramatic display, no bright light or golden hands, but it was there. that night, i felt for the first time like i was truly a child of God.
then the next day, i fell into sin. and so i did for the next year and the year after, all the way till today. and all throughout those many years i continued to doubt if His Spirit really dwelled within me. yet for some reason – i use this phrase to remind myself how blind i am to His sovereign, working hand – i continued to cling to the cross.
and now i am here, about 1.5 years later, and only now can i see clearly how my heart has been changed; how my heart *was* changed. only now do i see that i have been led to a deeper understanding of the roots of my sin, and so the remedy for it.
the expectations i had in fighting sin back in 2017 were so shallow, so inadequate! i thought it was my actions that were wrong, but more than that – my very heart was wrong. i wonder what would i would’ve become had i only dealt with my actions and thought that to be the end all of obedience and holiness.
i just read through Piper’s ‘Spectacular Sins: And Their Global Purpose in the Glory of Christ’, and i remember being deeply uncomfortable with his argument that God not only allowed sin but planned for it that His grace might be displayed, because that is how He so desired His glory to be revealed.
are You really like that God? do You really rule and reign over *everything*?
yet i read Your plan for Jewish kingship even though it was *sin* to ask for a king, Your will to crush Your son through the sinful actions of proud Pharisees, Your destiny for vessels of destruction.
the only response is, ‘why me?’
and the only reply is, ‘Who is a God like you, forgiving iniquity and passing over rebellion for the remnant of his inheritance? He does not hold on to his anger forever because he delights in faithful love.’
keep me humble and sanctify me daily for Your name’s sake. Your will is where i must dwell.