an existential onion

my sister says i’ve changed since university. i believe that wholeheartedly.

yet i think my change has not come in my acquiring of new tools, new words, new philosophies, but by them i have seen things that have changed me profoundly. day by day, person by person, life by life, i feel the layers of my world (not the world) being peeled apart. layers of an existential onion if you will. and every time a layer is peeled i draw near and far at once. i pull away from those around me, and yet through that pain i realise that i am unable to retract, unable to return to how i formerly was.

how am i to relate to you in the same way as yesterday? the layers are peeled, i am no longer the same. to mantain the status quo is to mantain a lie, the many lies, the many stories we tell ourselves to mantain the illusion of living.

is this the fate of humanity? that we may only know half-truths and myths and childhood structures? what makes the world go round is not necessarily the truth.

how then, am i to relate to the world?

who am i, God? am i the arrogant rabbi in the marketplace, calling out falsehood when in truth, i am the proud deceived? am i the solemn searcher, the wandering pilgrim abandoned by the blinded world? i look around and i feel alone, and i don’t know if that’s because i’m right, wrong, or some strange combination of the two.

what does it even mean to be right? right about what? to whom? for whom?

perhaps i desire a kindred spirit. a companion. someone that i might work through life with.

then again, i do not know what i want.

who am i, God? i am Your child, lover of Jesus Christ; so what does it mean in this world? what does it mean when i have questions? what does it mean when i have questions about you? what does it mean when i am alone? what does it mean when i am lonely? what does it mean when i am in despair?

o God, i know i must turn to You and Your Word. uphold my slumping soul, and turn my meandering heart back to You.

Christ be my rock and my fortress always! there is no other place for rest.

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