perhaps this shall always be so.
oh God, i haven’t felt this lonely in years.
why now? is it the college valentine celebrations? the new couples that i’ve come to know? love comes and love goes, but for today it stays. it becomes permanent, if only in a memory.
and i am remembering.
Lord, what have i done? what could i do? i am nothing to look at, yet i fear that it is what is underneath that is far uglier. jealously, envy, rage, wrath, sorrow – Lord what is this that fills me anew? what has changed since years before? i am still as i have always been.
maybe that’s it, that for the first time i have recognised something i have always desired.
Lord, my heart is in a foreign land, amidst a barreness i have not felt before. not barren perhaps, but broken. i feel like a thousand pieces scattered across the sand, and the sun that shines burns through all of them. and every time i piece them back together i cut myself, and my bloodied hands are displayed to all. oh they are soaked, that dark red guilt that steeps me in, and presses my soul against the grating reality that i am alone.
i feel so alone God, and every psalm feels like hot water against burned skin. i can feel none of it.
Lord, oh Lord, Lord, help me!
God perhaps it shall be that i am always lonely, but let it be that Your salvation be my continual joy, though i may not feel it. my heart flickers with every breath of wind, but your truth is my firm foundation.
O God, help my unbelief!
though i may trudge through every year alone, God help me know you are near, never far, never apart. no, the love You give is not that kind my heart so desires, so longs, so hungers for. and perhaps it shall be that my time on earth may never see a moment apart from that maddening cry, yet this is my hope and cry: God is my Redeemer, my Lover, my One True Hope!
God though i long for intimacy of the kind people speak, i long more that one day my heart might be changed and no longer hunger for things that i cannot have, that cannot satisfy.
Lord do they truly fail to satisfy?
Oh God help me! help me not long for what i have not even tasted! help me regard all flavours of the world as bitter and coarse compared to the gospel. even while i imagine their sweetness, help me to really taste, to really drink your living water every day.
Lord, keep me, keep my heart.
it wanders much this time of year.